happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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