who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
