Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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