I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
