It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
