Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
