I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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