I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
