My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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