Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone came in the potted fern
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
