i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we're making bets on your personal life
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
