The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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