Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That was before I lit my hair on fire
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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