I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
organizing the empties. That sober.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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