I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
