remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you had me at cake vodka
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
