I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
