My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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