Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
