My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
