Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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