dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
