Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
