my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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