i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
