she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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