Well douche your snatch and let's go!
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
