my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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