She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
