thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
