I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
porn star boner night. come get it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
