I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I puked a lego.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
