True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
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