My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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