this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
