so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
