new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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