There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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