i permit you to call me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
