shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
