"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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