My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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