Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
