I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
