just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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