My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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