i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
