Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
