I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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