So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
