and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
