I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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