I wish I could teleport
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
