dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we're making bets on your personal life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
