Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
