Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
