a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
