ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
