I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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