i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
