I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
